Thank you for feeling

Thank you all for the kind messages and words of support and love. It is times like these that show the blessing social media CAN be. Our family is lifted by the encouragement. I apologize for not having taken the time to respond to so many thoughtful words.

The port for chemo was successfully installed yesterday. Mom likes that they call it a “Smart Port,” noting it with a smile as she was in recovery. It is different than the one she had in 2004. Medicine continues to improve, and we are so grateful for that. The chemo will begin Th. The plan is to hit hard. 6-7 hours a day every day for a week every three weeks. I suggested, mostly kidding, I shave my head in solidarity, but my mom and the kids said NO!

While I joke, my heart ebbs and flows through moods, trying to make sense of it all, in the midst of other bumps in the road from this and in addition to this, and stay grounded and focus on being positive. Lest I make this a cry for pity, I will stop with just saying that I appreciate so very much your reminders of faith and strength, for all of us. This will  yield more songs and poetry and a new refining of my heart.

Over the years my parents have had a thing about precipitation as an indicator of goodness. Forget that it sometimes comes at inopportune times for the situation, and see it as a symbol of strength. So, we try to do that when it coincidentally occurs and impacts a plan. I cannot deny that I found our unusual, especially for this Winter, April snow poignant. It too made yesterday a bit tricky, but it also gave me an opportunity to laugh, for a brief moment, as it fell on me and to see how it so easily covers the mud and muck and makes everything look so pure and fresh, while mom begins this fight. New blossoms and ice, a sign of what our lives are.

I begin my testing today, as “it” is genetic. I find myself, at the moment, relatively calm about it, though not particularly eager for some of it (men, I spare you the details).

Over the course of this all I have uttered so many of the phrases that highlight the disdain for this nasty disease – Cancer S%&$#, F%&$ Cancer, Kick Cancer’s A##…. I think of the friends and family impacted by this undiscerning illness that’s very treatment is painful.

It is like any illness or obstacle, though, disrupting our routines and often our peace of mind, hurting and disheartening. Yet, around it are the signs of hope in common humanity regardless of the tragedy. There is empathy. We see who we can rely on and turn to.

In the woods I seek comfort in reflection on love and resilience and the music of God’s great orchestra, nature. I find myself reminded that our journeys are to be shared to help one another and to be helped by one another. It is why kind human touch is so powerful.

If you’re struggling, reach out – to me, to another. It’s okay to hurt. One needn’t be or pretend to be confident all of the time.


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